Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire REMIX!
by LadyPotter27
Summary: Retelling of the 4th movie in a more short and humourous way. my first fic!Okay, I HEART Harry potter, and i am NOT making fun of the movie in any way, so if you get offended easily, then do not read it. This is just for fun.


Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire REMIX!

Nagini: I'm only here for the Intro credits. But later, I'm in for more. **slithers **

Mike Newell: Since most people here in the theatre does not know which potter film they are watching, I'll let them know, and put the title up nice and big with thunder, just like how chris did.

The title: **HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE**

Crowd: (wets their pants)

Nagini: told ya, here I am again. (slithers)

Frank: stupid kids and my stupid leg! I have a bad feeling about what's going in that house since nobody's lived in it for 10 years so I'll check it out alone while im in a terrible condition.

Crouch Jr: master, I can do it!

Wormtail: no I can!

Barely-there-Voldemort: ShutUP both of you! My precious tinky winky snaky nagini tells me theres an old man eavesdropping on us outside.

Frank: oh sht

Nagini: Good thing you speak parseltongue, boss. But could u cut out the pet name?

Wormtail: AVADA KEDAVRA! **green light**

Frank: (totally dies)

- Somewhere zillion kilometres away…

Harry: AHHHH! My scar!

Hermione: Harry! You okay? Is it your scar?

Harry: Duh, what else would I be having pains with?

Hermione: …

Ron: WTF hermione! Im only wearing a TANK TOP! Get out!

Hermione: roll eyes oh for god's sake, we have to go see the world cup!

( Mr. Weasley, Twins, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny walk in a forest)

Mr Diggory: Hey y'all!

Cedric: (Jumps down from a tree) sup!

Ron: (eyes wide) How did you get up there without a broomstick?

Mr Diggory: So you all ready to go see the quidditich world cup?

Harry: Ever since the freakin dursley's locked me up. Hate 'em all.

Mr. Weasley: What's that harry?

Harry: Nuttin.

Mr. Diggory: Everybody! To the boot! That's our official subway!

Hermione: That's called a PORTKEY--- I hope you know what a ' Portkey ' is. It's very-

Ron: Shut up Hermione.

Everybody holds on to a boot

Boot : How's everybody doin? People say I resemble the sorting hat, who currently resides at Hogwarts.

Harry: squished This is cozy.

Everybody flies and falls, except the Diggory's

Cedric: Oh, I'm so Pro at this.

Mr. Diggory: That's ma boy!

Weasleys: Look! It's the world cup!

Mr. Weasley: Everybody, into the tent!

Hermione and Ginny: Ugh, we're so NOT going into that tent, we smell cooties already!

Harry: It's so effing big inside, I heart magic!

Tent: You mean you heart moi.

Twins: Pillow fight!

Ron: How old are you?

To the game

Malfoy: With my newly styled sleek 'n pimpin blonde hair, and my hot new robes I got for hundred gallons, all I need is a diamond ring. Oi, it's Potter! And Mudblood, and weasle.

Harry: stupid Malfoy,

Ron and Hermione: Dirty looks

Malfoy: Can't look at me straight, eh? I know I'm too good looking and dazzling for you, Granger, need sunglasses? Do I shine too much?

Lucius: (Places his pimp stick on malfoy's shoulder) Now now, Draco, where did you get your looks from? How many times must I tell you –

Malfoy: STFU. Get your friggin pimp stick off me.

Mr. Weasley: spits Malfoys! Hmph!

Hermione: I think I do love him already. Harry, why does _your _hair always have to be so messy?

The world cup

Bagman: sticks his wand on his throat looking like he's choking himself

Wel-welcome to the Quidditch world cup!

Guy in the 1st seat: Dude, you look totally demented.

Bagman: Thanks. I get paid to do this. Ok so, the stars of the team…we give you leprechauns! Well, at least the firework version of it..

Firework Leprechaun: Bursts into the air for 5 seconds yo! I'm a leprechaun! Friend of the current star in Lucky Charms --- disappears

Bagman: …and no veelas! Instead, Viktor Krum!

Viktor: Flies I like my face being big on the screen. Ain't I hot?

Girls: swoon

Mike Newell: And, since the match is one of the best things in the book, I'll cut it short. Bye bye, everybody.

-- in the tent –

Fred: I am Krum!

George: No I am!

Ron: awfully starstruck, looking at his krum poster beside his bed Ha-harry, do you think I can really get his autograph if I go to him early in the morning?

Harry: Err..

Mr. Weasley: Everybody run! Satans, err I mean the Death eaters are coming!

Everybody: WTF

everybody runs

People screaming and running and fires everywhere

Death eater #1: Screw you-know-who, he made me wear this bloody mask. I look like some 10 year old on Halloween begging for candy.

Death eater #2: And this stupid pointy hat, I feel like I'm going to a gay party. Stuff it. Fires every one!

Trio: Ahhh!

Harry: Where is everybody?

Silent

Harry: O..kay… I guess I'm alone.. how many times does Voldy want me all to himself?

Some man: Walks alone conjures a dark mark

Harry: hides wow..I've never seen something like this ever since Dudley's 7th birthday party where he had huge fireworks.

Miniters of magic: apparates DID YOU DO IT?

Harry: snaps out of the thought huh?

Fudge: THAT MARK! OMFG I CANT BELIVE IT! COVER YOUR EYES PPL! IT'S CORROSSIVE TO LOOK AT IT!

Harry: Err.. that? (pointing)

Hermione and Ron: Harry!

Mr. Weasley: Leave my kids alone you dumbass!

Hermione: crying We're to sniff young sniff to do this…please, let us go, we're scared….

Mr. Weasley: Yea, FUDGE.

Harry. Well there was this man, and you see, I was hiding from him and he did this thing with his wand, and all of a sudden that green thing appeared like that. It's pretty tho.

Ministers of magic: Thankyouverymuch **crack **

Hogwarts Express –

Harry: Can I have this, this, and that?

Cho: oh oh! me too! wink I'm Cho Chang. Ravenclaw, 5th year. Seeker position in Quidditch, but you _so_ know that right? smiles for the longest time ever

Harry: …. drools yea.

Hogwarts –

New Dumbledore: Sheesh, it seems everybody loves Richard Harris better, but whatever, I'm paid already so stuff you all! Mwahahahah! Anyways, in a few moments, there's this people coming from Beauxbatons. So get ready, look good! Chop chop!

Carriage of Beauxbatons bursts in

Ladies from Beauxbatons: Ahhhhhhh. Walks in Ahhhhhhh Walks more Ahhhhhhh Birds fly out of them

Birds: Mmmm that was a good moment.

Ron: drools They're hot.

Hermione: roll eyes That's the cheeziest thing I ever saw in my life.

Dumbledore: You think so? Well, wait until you see the Durmstrang's sons.

Durmstrang: We are the marching soldiers of the Adolf Hitler! marches

Karkaroff and Krum: marches up like a pair of angry snipers/murderers

Ron: stands up in the middle of the tables and benches THAT"S KRUM! KRUM! I LOVE YOU KRUM!

Harry: totally scarlet OMG SHUTUP RON BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU.

Durmstrang: Let's show off our aerobic talents. Beats the ladies of Beauxbatons.

Dumbledore: Okay ,ok, enough y'all. So we're having a triwizard tournament, where three champions are picked, and you can die. One champion from each school, and you have to be at least 17 and you put your name in this goblet, by halloween night. Okay and any questions? Good, byebye everybody!

Harry: I have a bad feeling about this.

------great hall----

Twins: we made a potion! Ha! We're going to make the championship and school glory!

Hermione: Kids.

Beard: (grows like a maniac)

Twin: AHHHH WTF!

Cedric: I'm cute and nice, and I am putting my name in.

PPL: Awww…

Krum: Enters his name

Everybody falls dead silent.

Ron: (eyes open wide)

Krum: Well, since I'm the only one from my school putting my name in, I will make it fo sho.

Karkaroff: MA BOY! I'm so proud of you! WHOO HOO! DURMSTRANG PRIDE! (shows yellow teeth) WOOF WOOF!

Students: he's so scary

Others: nodd

day of the halloween a.k.a. dumbledore picks out the names –

Goblet: fizzle and shizzle

Dumbledore: VIKTOR KRUUUM!

Karkaroff: YEEEAAHHHHH! I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU! WHOO HOO! And then you'll be a death eater just like me!

Snape: Shh. Not so loud dumbass.

Goblet: fizzle and shizzle

Dumbledore: FLEUR DELACOUR!

Maxime: Bravo! Tres Bien! winks at Hagrid

Hagrid: winks back

Goblet: fizzle and shizzle

Dumbledore: (reaches out his hand up again dramatically) im getting too old for this…CEDRIC DIGGORY!

Slytherins: What! From the leftovers?

Dumbledore: Okay. That's it.

Goblet: shizzle and fizzle and dazzle for our golden boy

Dumbledore: (puts the LOOK on his face) could it be….?

Harry: Yea dude, it's me.

Dumbledore: Harry Potter? HARRY PORRRERRR! Where are you? You traitor!

Harry Potter: Oh geez. I was expecting some cheering like you did for everybody else, you know. After all, I _am _the golden boy.

Ron: I keel you.

all the champions assemble into a tiny room with wonderous machines inside it –

Dumbledore: DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME INTO THAT CUP!( slams Harry against the wall)

Harry: You're very strong for an old man.

Karkaroff: TWO CHAMPIONS FROM ONE SCHOOL? TOTALLY UNFAIR! NUH UH! MY POOR VICKY WILL LOSE!

Victor: omg shutup. Now.

Moody: Dude. I like Harry. Therefore, he's in. Otherwise, you face my scary eyes and my voodoo walls and my realm of craziness in my office everyday. Any objections?

Everyone else: Okay he's in.

--- Gryffindor room—

Ron: You suck buns.

Harry: Thanks, you too.

Rita Skeeter: Ahhh! How lovely! All the 4 champions! I need you Harry all to myself!

Harry: In a cupboard like this? Pshh, my old one was better than this.

Rita: So, you must feel so proud? Just like your parents!

the quill totally lies

Harry: Your quill sucks, woman. And so does your eyebrows. Did you draw them with your quill?

Quill: (scribble scribble)

Rita: Thankyouverymuch,. That was lovely.

---Mad eye moody's class ---

Moody: GIMME THE CURSES NAMES! I WANT CURSES! YOU! GRANGER!

Hermione: (totally aces the curses' names)

Moody: And here's a spider for everybody for the treat.

Malfoy: AHH WTF GET IT OFF ME!

Moody: AVADA KEDAVRA CURSE! (does it on the spider) ONLY POTTER HAS SURVIVED IT! Well sadly his parents didn't…

Spider: cries

Hermione and Neville: (teary eyed) St..st..STOP! It's soo painful and tra-tragic!

Moody: Err..sorry.

everybody looks at harry and the spider

Harry: Oh, I love this class already.

--outside ---

Neville: Since I am soo into herbology, I will roll up my pants, look like a freak, and look for alive gillyweeds in middle of a lake.

Harry: Good idea.

Hermione: this took me a lot of time to memorize, and im not an owl, FYI, but a lot of people went through the trouble so that they could tell you that Hagrid wants to see you.

Harry: k

Ron: (scowl and whisper something into Hermione's ears)

Hermione: (whisper back)

Harry: You know, you guys look like you're in kindergarten when you do that.

Malfoy: Psh Potter! So you put your name in the cup, eh? My father's going to know about this!

Harry: Fc k you and your death eater father!

Malfoy: YOU DID NOT INSULT MY PIMPIN DADDY!

Moody: (turns him into a cute ferret)

Malfoy ferret: (goes into Goyle, or Crabbe whoever's pants )Ahhh, I'm kinda enjoying this place.

Goyle: AHHHH! IM NOT GAY!

Moody: MWAHAHAHAHA! Porn at Hogwarts!

McGonagall: MOODY! NO PORN AT HOGWARTS! ESPECIALLY ON A STUDENT!

Moody and Harry: Crap.

Malfoy: (turns back into a human) MY DADDY WILL HEAR OF THIS!

---hagrid's hut---

Hagrid: Hey, harry. Glad you came.

Harry: yea.

Maxime: HAGRID!

Harry: eeeek.( puts the cloak on)

Dragons: ARRRRRGGG (breaths fire on each other)

Hagrid: (overly excited) Omg they totally love each other

Maxime: Like us, 'agrid!

Harry: (vomit)

----outside the school----

people: AHAHAHA potter stinks! (sticks out the badge)

Harry: yehahaha that's so funny you peep holes.

Cedric: Oh hey Harry. I hope you're having a nice day.

Harry: Oh can't be better. Ok, straight to the point. First task is dragons. No questions. Everybody probably knows anyways. Except for you.

Cedric: (genuinely confused) And how's that?

Harry: Cause they cheated

Cedric: shocked OMG! I never would think and knew of such a thing!

Harry: yea, dude, 'cause you're in hufflepuff. Everybody knows that.

Dragon: ARGGGG

Harry: This isn't so bad. As long as I have my firebolt. ACCIO FIREBOLT!

Firebolt: (Flies thinking) I better get paid for this

Harry:( flies)

Dragon: (goes after him)

Harry: (Ducks under the dragon )(goes for the egg)

Dragon: (pissed)

Dragon: (more fire)

Harry:( Flies high up in the air, and ducks as soon as the dragon comes near, and flies towards the forest.)

Dragon: (even more pissed)

Dragon: (more fire)

Harry: (Stuck in middle of a roof.)

----meanwhile, the crowd and all the important teachers, like dumbledore, and ministers of magic who think safety is NUMBER 1 does nothing when their 4th champion is chased away by a dragon who has freed itself, out of their sights---

Harry: Bloody Teachers! (safely flies back with pro flying skills)

Dragon: IM SO GETTING U THIS TIME! (SUPER FIRE)

Harry: (Gets the egg.)

Dragon: (super pissed)

---common room---

Harry: (opens the egg)

Egg: AHHHHH!

Harry: Ugh, shut up. You sound like Dudley when he wants more candy.

Egg: (shuts up)

Ron: Umm.. I believe you and I'm sorry for being such a dweeb for last couple of weeks.

Harry: Okay. Apology Accepted.

Ron: (pulls out his dressrobes) OMFG WAT THE HELL IS THIS

Harry: FYI, Ron, I think you just received your dress robes.

Ron: Totally faints

Harry: The colour totally clashes with your hair.

Ginny: Thank Gawwwd they're not mine.

---- dance lessons ---

McGonagall: okay, Weasley, I'm picking on you, to be my dance partner.

Ron: First the stupid robes, and I have to be McGonagall's guinea pig. grumble grumble

Twins: Aww how cute.

Ron: I'll kill both of you.

McGonagall: Hmph.

Ron: Dude, we really need dates.

Harry: thinking: You're sure to get one with _that_ dress robe.

Ron: What are you thinking about Harry?

Harry: Oh nothing.

Ron: Hey, my eyes just realized, you're a girl hermione! Why don't you go with me?

Hermione:( roll eyes) you dumb asshole. I already have a much better friggin date.

Ron: …

Harry: (bumps into Cho) Oh, Cho!

Cho: Oh, Harry!

Both: …..

Harry: Errr…you wanna, like, go to that Yule Ball thingie with me? Doesn't seem too bad, does it?

Cho: Umm…you see the thing is…

Harry: (thinking) this is gonna be bad, I can feel it.

Cho: …I'm going with that Hufflepuff hottie, you know, Cedric. But, I'm not saying you're not--

Harry: Grrr, ok.

Cho: but, like, IM SO SORRY! Harry! I'll make it up to you in the 5th movie! I promise!

Harry: Sure you will, hor.

---Gryffindor Common Room---

Ginny: Ron just asked Fleur to the ball.

Ron:( eyes wide) Harry, I couldn't help it. It was like, I was in some, magical world or something!

Harry: Oh geez, just realized that now mate?

Parvati and Padma: (in unison) Hello boyyyys.

Harry: Hey, go to the ball with us.

Parvati and Padma: (in unison) Okay.

Ron: You serious, man?

--- YULE BALL---

Ron: (in his robes) I WILL DIE.

Padma: (Looking at Ron, to her sister) I WILL DIE.

Parvati: Poor children.

Harry: (drooling at Cho) How beautiful….

Parvati: (Blushes madly) Ohh Harry! Stop it!

Hermione: Don't I look glamorous? I do feel like Cinderella. Getting the main entrance all to myself.

Victor: (licks lips) yummy

Dumbledore: Champions! DANCE!

Harry: Oh crap

Parvati: Harry! DANCE!

(They dance.)

(For like, 3 minutes.)

----Disco at Hogwarts----

Ron and Harry: This is soo effing boring

Hermione: Hey guys! This is the most wonderful time of my life!

Ron: Stop flirting with the ENEMY.

Hermione: ENEMY? (does not talk to him )I HATE YOU! HOW DARE YOU CALL MY VICTOR AN ENEMY! He's the hottest guy I've ever met with GORGEOUS DARK HAIR!

Harry: (aside) Oh Snap.

Ron: (fire in his eyes)

Cedric: Potter? Harry? Umm, anyways, uhh this might sound weird, but---

Harry: then I will gladly hear it.

Cedric: take a bath, dude.

Harry: WTF?

Cedric: In the prefect's bathroom, at midnight. It's a nice place. I was there with Cho one night and oh boy—

Harry: OKTHANKYOUVERYMUCH.

----bathroom----

Harry: (takes off his shirt)

Female audience: OOOOH WOOT WOOT!

Male audience: OMG SHUT UP! (throws popcorn)

Six-pack mermaid: (wink wink)

Myrtle: heyyyy Harry, come to visit me? (dives in)

Harry: NO

Myrtle: invades Harry's comfort zone Soo how has it been? I have been sooo lonely! But this bathroom's not so bad. I see naked guys all the time! I saw 4 today! Including you! HEHEHE!

Harry: Err…Ahahaha…(dives in and opens the egg)

Egg: (sings)

Harry: whoa that was creepy.

----Library---

Hermione: Out of all the 2000 books I read, I can't believe there isn't anything about breathing underwater!

Harry: (Sleeps.)

Neville: Yo, Harry, how about a gillyweed? Since Dobby's not in the film, Mike Newell said I could give it to you.

Harry: gee thanks.

----lake---

bagman: CHAMPIONS DIVE!

Champions: (all dive, except Harry, who does a belly flop)

Harry: (eats the gillyweed) Oh crap, this hurts, ow my ears, screw this gillyweed!

(2 seconds)

Harry: Whoa! I'm a fish!

Fish: Yo, you just insulted my species.

Harry:( swims and swims and finally).. Mermaids, huh?

Merpeople: Do we look like women to you? We're PEOPLE! Not maids!

(Hermoine, Ron, Cho, and Gabrielle, all look super super creepy)

Harry: (glancing at Cho )omg I can't believe I even liked her. (shudders)

Sleeping Ron: free me Harry

Harry: Umm… I'll just stay here and make sure all the champions rescue all these people since 50 of them are my best buds and I'm a hero.

Cedric: (swims and takes Cho)

Shark headed Victor: (takes Hermione away)

Harry: Dude, you stole Jaws' head or something?

Harry: omg wheres Fleur? Watever, I'll just take those two.( takes them)

Merpeople: OMG NO.

Harry: YES YOU FREAKOS! (wand slash magic)

Merpeople: Ok, fine, fine. (lets him go)

----out of the water---

Moody: YOU MADE IT!

Bagman: You're tied in the first place with Diggory for being a hero!

Harry: Oh…so it _was_ worth it, eh?

Fleur: Thank you verry much! Omg Gabrielle! Omg I was sooo worried! thank you 'arry! (Kisses on Harry and Ron)

Ron: If I die now, I die happy.

---third task---

Dumbledore: See that maze? Well, normally, you go through a maze, and guess what? You're gonna do that now!

Harry: oh fantastic.

Bagman: READY SET GO.

Harry: Tis dark. Lumos.

Maze: (closes) I got you now, babe.

Harry: err..ok.

Cedric: Hey Harry.

Harry: Hi. Bye. (turns corner) oh cedric?

Cedric: I think I'm stalking you.

Harry: I think so too.

(walks more)

Fleur: gasping for air OMG OMG im totally freaking out! Omg omg omg **turns around** AHHHH!

Harry: FLEUR!

Victor: Je suis POSSESSED!

Harry: I can totally tell.

Victor: ARRRGGGGGG

Cedric: (some spell)

Victor: (falls)

Harry: I guess it's just you and me, buddy. There's the triwizard cup. Let's run for it.

Cedric: I have longer legs! Woooottt!

Harry: ARRRRRRGGGG!

they run

Cedric: ahhh harry help!

Harry: OH crap fine

saves him

Cedric: ok now that you saved me, it's yours.

Harry: Together.

Cedric: Deal.

grab the cup. And it flies to some other lala land. A.k.a. Grave of Tom Riddle

Harry: Oh shit

Voldemort: KILL THE SPARE!

Cedric: I like this place, its mysterious and--

Wormtail: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Cedric: (totally dies)

Wormtail: Double double, toil and trouble, make my master into a nice human again!

Voldemort: TA DA!

Harry: It's to scary!

Voldemort: It's just you and I, Harry. Look! I can physically touch your cute forehead!

Deatheaters: WOOOOOOOO

Harry: in pain AHHHHH!

Audience: (in tears) stop stop!

Voldemort: MAWAAHAHAHAHA! Fight moi!

Harry and Voldemort duel, reminiscence of a Star Wars scene

Cedric ghost: GO GO HARRY! Can I ask you a favour and bring my body back plz?

Mom and Dad of Harry: HARRY I LOVE YOU! DON'T FORGET THAT!

Mom: Harry, go now you're ready!

Ghosts attack voldemort

Voldemort: WTF!

Harry: (runs like the wind thinking:) if I ran like this when Dudley tried to bully me, he would have never beaten me up.

----Hogwarts---

Mr. Diggory: MY SON!

Dumbledore: HUH! WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? HOW?

Harry: Voldy's back.

Moody: Come with me, for a cup of tea.

Harry: sobbing I SAW HIM DIIIIIEE!

Moody: I know just shut up. I'm trying to kill you

Harry: ……

Dumbledore: EXPELLIARMUS!

Harry: Okay so this is that and ok I'm so going to bed.

Dumbledore: You should Harry.


End file.
